Mag North caught up with Riviera Rochelle for a scone and a cup of tea while she was briefly Up North at the weekend. (Who knew there were two barns in Rivington?)
Supplying her own reading material, our Professor of Problems - our Mediation Medic - the Stylist with the Solutions rapidly worked through this week’s conundrums, while simultaneously entertaining an audience of bemused onlookers.
Jam or cream first?
ON YOUR KNEES
Dear Rochelle,
My husband and I married in a fit of passion after only knowing each other for two days. Unfortunately we cannot see eye-to-eye. I am 6'2" and he is 5'1". Friends have suggested attending Relate, buying a three-step ladder or platform shoes. I'm not sure. It's now day five. Can you help?"
Louise
Crossgates
Dear Louise
I don’t want to be a harbinger of doom, but, as the old saying goes, ‘Marry in Haste. Repent at leisure’.
Just out of interest, who proposed to whom? Surprised you heard the question if it was him who got down on one knee.
Any road up, let’s hope we can metaphorically screw up Congreve’s words and turn this sow’s ear of a situation into a silk purse.
To be honest, these friends of yours have come up with some pretty good ideas. (Pity they weren’t on hand to advise against your hasty nuptials.)
As I see it, embracing the height difference and making it work for the pair of you is the best way forward.
Hey, you could start a trend and fly in the face of societal stereotypes and expectations.
Embrace your unique dynamic and start a social media vibe…..#loftylouandshortarse…not a bad name for a band either.
You’ll be influencers before you know it and keeping it real at the same time. Just think, no need to pay for extra leg room on flights (just make sure you get the aisle seat) and if he’s got a flat head you’ll always have somewhere to rest your Campari and soda.
Actually, it’s beginning to sound like a match made in heaven. Worked for Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise.
All the best.
FAMILY DYNAMICS
Dear RR
I’m worried about my family. My daughter has just got some weird glasses, I think they make her look like Deidre Barlow or that she’s turning into a beetle. My son (whose usual persona is of a grunting antisocial recluse) is suddenly chatty, considerate and helpful. My husband has hidden himself in a dark corner making model aeroplanes with painstaking detail. The family dog loves everyone but has started biting me. It’s all gone too weird - shall I run away?
Yours,
Confused of Leigh.
Dear Confused of Leigh
The confusing conundrum of domestic dynamics, eh?
I do believe that your life has morphed into a sitcom with each family member being the star of their own quirky subplot, all vying for a British Soap Awards nomination.
Now then, before I can advise as to whether you should bugger off and leave the luvvies to it, let’s ponder the existential issues that are simmering beneath the soap suds.
Have you considered that your daughter’s specs may not merely be a fine attempt at a fashion statement, but a metaphorical lens through which she looks at life?
Maybe she is channelling Deidre Barlow (thank God she’s been loyal and chosen an icon from a Northern, soap).
Not a bad role model eh?
Authentic to the last, she was a tough old bird, with a good heart, strong family values and a sense of humour.
(She did have dodgy taste in fellas though and that she’d have never left my salon with that barnet.)
The beetle thing…that’s just bloody odd. Get a grip.
As for your lad, his metamorphosis from a grunting recluse to a social butterfly, demonstrates that we don’t need to be defined by our old personas, and can reinvent ourselves anew with each passing moment.
Perhaps his newfound chattiness is a reminder that change is the only constant in the ever- evolving tapestry of existence.
Your fella, ensconced in the shadows crafting model airplanes with meticulous precision, serves as a poignant reminder of the human capacity for creativity and introspection.
Is he sculpting miniature vessels of dreams, destined to soar through the boundless skies of imagination?
Or is he just pig sick of the rest of you?
I think the dog deffo is.
Stay or go?
On balance Confused (odd name for a Leither), my suggestion would be that, instead of scarpering from the delightful carnival of absurdity that is your family, why not embrace it with open arms?
Let’s face it, any good story needs a few plot twists to make it interesting.
You also seem to have forgotten that you’re the main character in this daft sitcom of family life.
As the matriarch you’re the leading lady, best supporting actress, director and producer.
The show must go on Dahlink!
HEAVY METAL
Dear Rochelle,
I’m a big fan of your work.
I once loved a maid, a Spot Welder by trade
She was fair as the Rowan in bloom
And the blue of her eye matched the blue moorland sky
I wooed her from April to June
On the day that we should have been married
I went for a ramble instead
For sooner than part from the mountains
I think I would rather be dead.
However - I do miss holding her hand. What am I to do?
Ewan
Manchester
Well Ewan - you have been a tool, made her look a fool,……….you’ve some work to do on your part.
Your fear of commitment Has denied you fulfilment.
At the same time, you’ve broken her heart
A courtship so brief, oft ends in grief
But let’s rescue the sitch if we can
Meet up, sit and talk, over moors take a walk.
Face up to the mess, be a man.
I hope she’ll engage, not boot you out in a rage
(But for that I suggest you prepare)
Discover things you both like, (let’s hope it’s a hike)
The relationship begins to repair….
That’s what I suggest, good luck on your quest,
I know that she has you entranced.
So run to her Ew’, or that day you will rue
Can she weld like that girl in Flashdance?
...And Shirley and Donna both get a quickfire, live, video critical path to follow - thanks to the collection of Mag North prisms dotted around Northern hilltops:
CAREERS ADVICE
My Dearest Rochelle
I cannot tell you my real name, but please call me Shirley.
I work diligently in Bahrain as a Quartermaster for the Al-Ashtar Brigade.
Unfortunately the promise of ‘good work in the community’ that attracted me when I joined, has not materialised - and I find myself yearning once again to follow what I believe is my destiny - and become a hairdresser in England.
As the most famous stylist in both the West (and the Arab world), I wondered if you would act as my sponsor, mentor - and friend - and invite me to work in your salon until such time as I can secure funding to set up my own place?
I hope you will see the value in having a former paramilitary - and a man’s-man - in the salon?
Can I ask if you’re anywhere near Marlborough Crescent - and The Pink Triangle?
Much love
Shirley
REFLECT ON YOUR BEHAVIOUR?
Hiya Rochelle,
Like you, I never leave the house without looking my best - and it takes some time to look this good on a morning.
Last Thursday Our Tyrone had lost his school bag, so I was running a bit late and had to finish my make-up using one of the mirrors above the self-service tills in the Co-op on Chapel Row (Middleton-in-Teesdale).
Ashleigh-Jane has already told us that Tony the Assistant Manager thinks I’m lush - and on Thursday he used his very strong arms to guide me out of the shop.
What should I do?
Donna
Aukside
Is your problem more challenging than the above?
Have you got your head stuck between some railings - and you can’t reach the margarine?
When you watch owls turn their heads ‘round - do you feel like you can’t breathe?
Are you still not convinced that the head of the Yangtze is on the Tibetan plateau?
Do you experience headaches whenever you think of Sting and Shaggy on motorbikes?
…Then you need Rochelle’s help. Our South Coast, Deep Sea Diving Hairdresser can help you to get a grip. Unless you’ve got the bends.
Email team@mag-north.com and follow her on Insta @riviera_rochelle
