It is 47 days until my first A level, not that I’m counting!
The realisation that I have less than two months until exams begin, however obvious that realisation may be, has actually made my head spin. The chilling thought of walking into that echoey hall, my paper on the desk waiting for me, and those anxious few seconds of waiting for the clock to change before the dreaded announcement of “you may begin”. Not terrifying at all……
Aside from that daunting idea looming in the back of my mind, I am feeling relatively chirpy!
As SIX the Musical came to an end (which was an absolute blast! And pretty good if I do say so myself), I started to worry about how I would fare after it. The drastic change of rehearsals up to 3 nights a week to none frightened me a little. All that extra time and the only thing to fill it with being work. As I have gotten older, I’ve started to get scared of having nothing to do. I don’t mean just having a bit of free time here and there to daydream or relax, but rather having days with nothing pencilled in except for working on my own. Now, I know that sounds really precious of me, but it’s not the work itself that I don’t like, I actually enjoy doing my work most of the time. Instead, it’s the extended period of time where I am alone in the same place, with my thoughts free to overanalyse every part of my life and myself, leaving me feeling quite low. It isn’t just the free time itself where I struggle, but the anticipation of it also, where I become stressed and anxious, pondering all the ways to fill up that free time.
Having realised that I am a bit mental, and that being left in the house all day is not a great idea for me, I have started to go out quite a bit more, even if it is on my own. Whether it is going on walks or heading to the library to do my work instead staying at home, I always try to go out at some point during the day. In fact, it has become a bit of a running joke that I am like a dog, I just need to be fed and let out once a day, and then I am pretty happy!
The breaks also make me more productive. Having an allocated period of time to do work, instead of giving myself to the whole day makes me much more efficient and motivated to do it. The phrase ‘if you want to get something done, give it to a busy person’ is one I’ve certainly found to be true.
Another thing I have realised as I get older is that people don’t think the same way as me, especially when it comes to stress, in particular what makes people stressed. Now, I have always been very work orientated and keen to do well, but because I have always done well in my studies, work isn’t something that I generally worry about. Instead, I am likely to feel worried or moody if I am having problems with my relationships. Therefore, when someone I know is in a bad mood with me, I jump to the conclusion that they must be annoyed at me, or that I’ve done something wrong, when actually they are just stressed with their own work or schedule. Basically, I have just come to the conclusion that everyone’s different and I just need to get over myself and stop thinking everything is about me!
It’s funny, on the one hand I can get really in my head about whether people are annoyed at me, resulting to me overanalysing every detail of their behaviour, but then on the other hand, I have never been more confident in myself or cared less about what people think of me! Having gone through periods where I could be quite self conscious, getting to the stage where I just don’t think about my appearance of my abilities has been really refreshing.
Whilst I know the next few months hold in store mountains of revision and lots of stress, the end is in sight, and I am very excited for my next chapter. Oxford here I come!
