I think my decision to commit to SIX the musical was one of the best decisions I could have made. I have always managed to find excuses in the past to stay at home in the evenings, whether it was due to having had a busy day or just being ‘too tired’; most of my nights consisted of lounging on the sofa whilst watching some movie or another. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy doing this as I love spending time with my family watching TV, but getting out of the house more in an evening has actually improved my mental health in general. What is great about it is that you are committed to it. With something like going to the gym, whilst you rationally know that you will feel better after going, apart from the motivation you have in that moment, there is never anything more pushing you to go out, and I know for me personally, most evenings, I do just want to snuggle up under a blanket. But when you are committed to something like a musical, other people are dependent on you showing up, so you can’t just not go because you don’t feel like it. That external push to go out has been necessary for me (because I am generally quite lazy), and I don’t think I have ever come back home from a rehearsal more tired or in a worse mood than when I went. So, that was my round about way of saying that I would definitely recommend signing up to a play or a musical, just for the benefits it brings mentally.
Whilst my extracurriculars seem to be going well, I have to admit that my A levels have become a lot more draining. For a start, as I am nearing the end of my school career, I feel like I have lost motivation for the subjects that I do. Especially because apart for one of my subjects, I am doing something completely different at university. This does get me down a bit, as I have always been someone that really enjoys their subjects and likes learning new things about them. But recently, I have felt that some of my curiosity and flare for learning has dimmed slightly. This probably isn’t helped by my subjects, particularly further maths, has been ramping up in difficulty. Having been told that I have a ‘natural talent’ for maths from a young age, and always excelling in it, not being able to understand some of the concepts, or figure out how to approach questions has been a real challenge for me. To be honest it has impacted my self-esteem a little bit, as I always thought of my academic side as one of my biggest strengths, and feeling like I haven’t been able to fall back on that has felt like one of my safety nets has been removed, if that makes any sense. Obviously with my A levels this year, I have still been revising to the same level as I was before, but it just isn’t as enjoyable for me as it used to be. That is one of the biggest reasons that I am excited for university, to learn new things and find new interests again.
I actually find it quite amazing (and frustrating) how even though there are so many things I want to do with my time, sometimes I just can’t bring myself to do anything. Take reading as an example, for which my ‘want to read’ list is longer than my arm, but I just cannot sit down and read, and instead I bury my head in my phone. I love painting, but even when I have had time to paint recently, I just didn’t, I felt like I couldn’t. I have been trying to decipher why I feel like this, and I think it is because I feel guilty doing the things I enjoy instead of doing my work. But because I don’t want to do my work, I just don’t do anything, expect mindlessly scroll TikTok whilst simultaneously telling myself that I will start working soon, and then just not doing. I feel trapped in a brain that is battling against itself, and the result is just an inability to do anything. But my friends definitely help. Knowing that they are also going through this makes me realise that I am not alone. At least if I am going mental, I am doing it in good company.
Anyway, sorry about the doom and gloom, but I am just being honest. Let’s hope it is just my hormones!
